An individual wraps their arms round another individual, every smiling at one other.

I used up to now this cis, hetero White man - let’s call him Josh.

Josh was as properly-that means as they came. In fact, he was so comfortable acknowledging his White privilege that he had seen more Spike Lee movies than me. Josh acknowledged that racism is a factor and that White privilege is real.

So as to add to his nicely-meaning White guy glory, Josh simply loooooovvved Black girls.

I imply, he could not get enough. He loved our noses, our hair, our skin tone, our hips, and our thighs.

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As proof of his admiration, he was so loyal to his preference for Black ladies that he barely dated girls of any other race.

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And you’re most likely wondering, “What’s wrong with that?”

I mean, when you’re sexually attracted to somebody, obviously you appreciate their bodily characteristics. What’s so unhealthy about discovering sure traits attractive?

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See, that’s the factor. Josh claimed to “love” Black women. However to say that one loves, or is drawn to, any Black woman means that one loves and is attracted to an individual.

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However, when requested what draws him to Black ladies, Josh might solely identify stereotypical attitudes and body sorts. See the problem?

Hair, pores and skin, ass, “strength,” attitude, and hips are not a person. They're attributes of a person.

Granted, sure attributes may be more distinguished to a specific group of individuals. But one definition of racism consists of “the belief that every one members of each race possess traits or skills particular to that race, especially in order to distinguish it as inferior or superior to a different race.”

Reducing a marginalized group or particular person to a set of characteristics like personality, attitudes and body varieties is, in actual fact, racist - even when it’s meant to be a compliment.

While you deal with stereotypes as a substitute of treating a person like an individual formed by their heritage, background, and unique experiences, that particular person becomes an extension of your imagination.

You erase who they're and drive them to be who you need, or believe, them to be. Your impression of them relies on your preconceived notions - not their full humanity.

When I used to be dating Josh, I used to be working by way of my own internalized shit.

Josh desired me for the same qualities that society taught me had been undesirable. He even watched Good Hair in solidarity (I never watched it myself), and he’d proudly proclaim his love of natural hair over weave.

Typically, he’d say, “The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” Except I’m not very dark. Maybe he thought my juice was comparatively sour?

Many White people who find themselves attracted to, date, and love Black girls imply nicely. A few of them even assume their attraction to Black people makes them “progressive,” because they’re going towards the grain of White beauty standards.

However good intentions have by no means been sufficient to stop oppression. So how are you able to look past your intentions and determine in case your attraction has a hurtful affect?

Here are a few inquiries to ask your self. They’ll help you assess whether or not or not your attraction to Black our bodies contributes to oppression.

1. Are You Attracted to Black Women - Or Do You Fetishize Us?

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This is a tough question to think about, particularly since our racist, cissexist, heteropatriarchal social context makes it difficult to expertise and express need with out harmful energy dynamics.

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Straight cis men, for example, are often taught that unsolicited comments on a woman’s body are compliments. However the same conduct they see as an acceptable way to express attraction actually contributes to women feeling unsafe, uncomfortable, and unable to exist in public without being objectified.

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Here’s how to know the difference between attraction and fetishization.

Attraction recognizes and respects the individuality of the person(s) involved. It involves the total participation of all parties, such that no one is lowered to an object for another’s sexual pleasure.

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For instance, I have a great appreciation for Black ladies myself. However my attraction doesn’t cut back them to objects by specializing in bodily features like smooth skin, hair, big butts, or thick lips.

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Not all Black girls have easy pores and skin or another specific physical characteristic. Plus, we don’t all embody “strength” the identical.

My attraction is knowledgeable by the physique and the person, so I don’t erase the autonomy, thoughts, feelings and individual experiences of the opposite particular person in the method.

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Fetishization, on the other hand, is a form of objectification. It either reduces a full particular person to an objectified characteristic or initiatives fantasized, stereotypical features onto a person.

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My ex, Josh, felt snug saying that he discovered (cis) Black girls enticing. He said he just “couldn’t help” loving our hair, our “smooth skin” and our “strength.”

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Are you able to inform why this counts as fetishization?

Josh assigned certain physical traits to a whole group of individuals and made them the central focus of his need (as opposed to holding space for your entire human being). In the method, he diminished the value of Black bodies to these characteristics - and ignored our individual identities.

This means it didn’t matter if my personality differed from the next Black lady he met, as a result of he wasn’t approaching us as individuals. We were merely objects in his sexual fantasy.

Attraction focuses on who an individual is, whereas fetishization focuses on who you need a person to be by using stereotypes to fit them right into a field.

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In fact, attraction might be tainted by colonization, because our social context informs how we experience and specific want. For example, many people value fairer skin, including elevating lighter skinned Black folks, as a result of White beauty standards affect all of us.

However fetishization isn’t the way to fix that. A extra holistic perspective of a person comes by attraction.

2. Does Your Want Affirm the Person’s Humanity - Or Is It Self-Serving for You?

All right, this is another powerful one, as it requires a bit extra introspection concerning internal motives.

Determining the impact of your actions is even tougher when you have a hard time recognizing how power and privilege have an effect on personal relationships.

Like many White people, my ex Josh genuinely felt that his attraction to cis Black girls was a good factor. The best way he saw it, he was affirming our Blackness by valuing the very traits that society mentioned were unlovable.

When Cosmo stated, “flat butts are the factor,” Josh and Sir-Combine- Quite a bit disagreed.

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He wasn’t a “bad” individual. But that doesn’t imply that he was incapable of causing harm, especially with the ability he holds as a college educated, ready-bodied, cisgender, straight White male.

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Not only were Black bodies an object of his sexual fantasies, however he used his want for Black women as a reflection of his “good character.” This is just like the White Savior Complicated.

My oppression turned secondary to his must feel like a “good individual.” He didn’t didn’t care how his feedback made me really feel as a result of they weren’t really about me.

When I would get offended, he’d get mad - because he “didn’t imply it that means.” Whilst I tried to explain my pain to him, his anger grew to become the middle of the dialog.

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Briefly, he had objectified me to the extent that my ache turned about him - he couldn’t recognize me as an individual with a right to advanced feelings.

Here’s a greater instance of how to navigate power dynamics in a means that supported me, as a substitute of fetishizing me.

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A White girl approached me at a intercourse membership. Our preliminary interplay didn't begin with what she wanted from me (i.e. sex).

She was attracted to me, yes, but she didn’t method me like an object to meet her needs. She started by asking if I’d wish to have a dialog, which empowered me to choose if I wanted to speak with her.

After a couple of moments of speaking, she requested if I most popular persevering with a dialog, or maybe participating in one thing extra physical. She also presented the option of declining both of her options, which created extra space for me to determine the right way to proceed.

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By respecting my selections and boundaries, she showed that she recognizes my humanity - not just my physical features.

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With Josh, our interactions were about his need to build the narrative of the “good person” he believed himself to be. But for me, whether or not he meant to be hurtful wasn’t enough to undo the affect of his actions.

Black girls should not charity circumstances. We don’t want you to avoid wasting us from the evils of White Supremacy by gracing us along with your intimate presence.

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We want you to actively combat to get rid of White Supremacy along with your actions, not along with your need.

3. Are You Treating the Girl You’re Attracted to like a person - Or an Accessory?

Perhaps you’ve picked up on the key word to understanding the difference between attraction and fetishization: Person.

Attraction does not lose sight of the other person to whom one’s attraction is directed.

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So how are you able to make certain to maintain someone’s personhood in perspective in the way in which you deal with them?

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One way is to acknowledge the distinction between an individual being influenced and knowledgeable by the best way their body moves by the world, and being reduced to their body.

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Here’s an example of that. I’m attracted to a Chinese Malaysian lady, not as a result of I “have a factor for” or in any other case fetishize her accent, her eye shape, her skin tone, or any other different broad marker of her race and ethnicity.

Sentient beings are knowledgeable by their interactions inside their setting, but a person is neither their physique, their environment, nor their experiences alone. A person is a complex mixture of emotions, thoughts, reactions and interactions that are influenced by the way their body is received in the world.

So I’m drawn to her because of her individuality, which is no doubt informed by the best way she strikes by way of the world as a Chinese language Malaysian, straight passing cis woman.

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Josh thought he was in a position to see previous society’s degrading messages about Black girls and “love” us anyway - doing a great thing by cheering for the “underdog,” the least fascinating courting choice and least engaging group of girls.

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However he was still fetishizing us as something to make him look good, erasing our individuality.

We every take part in the humanity and development of one other being by responding to their personhood - in methods like making eye contact, listening to and respecting boundaries, and honoring experiences.

You can’t do this if you’re simply treating a lady like an ethnically fascinating accessory.

4. Do You Acknowledge Us as Full Individuals - Or Reduce Our Value to Physique Components and Sexuality?

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So, you want huge butts, big penises, and kinky hair, and Black individuals just so happen to have these options. Why can’t you identical to what you like?

Many preferences are socialized, so it’s troublesome to discern what leads us to favor sure features or people over others.

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But if you want Black ladies as a result of you want massive butts, I’ve bought to tell you… not all Black ladies have large butts.

And not having certain attributes generally assigned to Blackness does not make an individual any much less Black. Decreasing the definition of Blackness to body parts and features is objectifying and racist.

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Not to say, it’s insulting to an individual’s identity in addition to group id - because it implies that a persons are primarily defined by sexual physique elements.

This is particularly difficult when you think about that traditionally, sexual stereotypes about Black people’s bodies have been used to help our oppression.

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Here’s how that works: Lowering someone to a sexual object makes them “less than” (as a result of they aren’t absolutely human), which makes it easier to ignore the influence of injustices committed towards them.

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So, once you say that you want Black girls because we've big butts, good lips, clean skin, and other features, it implies that you simply don’t care which Black woman you date.

Bump the person - you may as well be in a relationship with a physique part.

You’re interested in a caricature of a person, a figment of your imagination. In different words, you’re drawn to what you’ve projected onto that person, whether or not it’s true or not.

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This sort of attraction is harmful and violent because it erases the particular person completely, which destroys the chance for empathy and connection.

As humans, we don't empathize with objects. We are inclined to empathize with beings.

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If you’re objectifying certain options as the source of your attraction, you would possibly treat an individual with those options with less respect than they deserve as a human being - and you might not even notice that’s what you’re doing.

Like many individuals, you in all probability genuinely don’t imply to be racist, and you don’t deliberately want to hurt Black ladies.

It can be actually arduous to not solely accept our particular person capacity to cause hurt, but to acknowledge the ways in which now we have really contribute to oppression, either deliberately or unintentionally.

But when you've got the intentions of expressing your attraction and even helping a Black lady you’re attracted to really feel “empowered,” consider this: Empowerment creates space for a person to entry their own self-dedication, so that they can make their very own decisions primarily based on their needs and wishes.

As a result of empowerment requires us to remain in relation to one another, it cannot operate if somebody is fetishized.

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Fetishization erases the person’s individuality such that there’s no one to be in relation with, no area for them to make their very own choices.

Attraction doesn't erase a person’s distinctive humanity. Acquired it? Good.

So, the subsequent time you’re in search of the antidote to jungle fever - Stop! Get your life, take a while to reflect on these questions, and we’ll all be higher off.

Breeshia Wade is a Contributing Author at On a regular basis Feminism. She incorporates Reiki and mindfulness in her work as a doula whereas actively cultivating her observe as an intersectional feminist philosopher and theologian, eager about beginning and finish of life care. She is at the moment finishing a Buddhist chaplaincy program, and hopes to be a candidate for lay ordination in the Zen Buddhist tradition as well as a minister in the American Baptist tradition. Check her out at breeshiawade.com Read extra of her articles right here. She acquired her BA in Comparative Research in Race and Ethnicity, focus in Artistic Writing from Stanford University, and is graduating with a Master’s of Religious Studies, focus in philosophical theology, from the University of Chicago.